An Open Letter to White People

Dear White People:

When is enough enough? I'm asking a serious question, when is enough enough? Yesterday, I listened as George Floyd died. He plead for his life, said he was in pain, said he couldn't breathe. I listened as a man struggled to speak, gasped, cried out, begged for his life and the white officer kneeling on his neck did not move. He listened as a man died by his own hand. He showed no remorse, no guilt, no fucks were given to the man whose life has been taken away. You must possess some kind of hate to kill a man on camera and feel "justified" in your actions.

That officer is a monster, the police that did nothing are even worse monsters, white people that do nothing are the biggest monsters of all... WHAT??? I can hear the righteous indignation now.... I'm not a monster, I'm not racist. Allow me to take some time to challenge that notion.

I'm not racist...I have a black friend, partner, child, co worker that I barely talk to, but she counts... she's black

I'm not racist...I read about this stuff in the news, it's sad, but there's nothing I can do

I'm not racist... that's the United States, there's no racism in Canada

I'm not racist...I don't see colour

I'm not racist.. I vote Liberal or NDP

I'm not racist... all lives matter!

I'm not racist... where are you from?

I'm not racist...not all white people are like that, it's racist to say all white people are racist

I'm not racist...they made a mistake, the didn't know better, sometimes people say stupid things

I'm not racist... but why do black girls always shake their ass?

I'm not racist... I'm really intimidated by you. Black girls scare me

I'm not racist... I only date black guys...black guys have big dicks

I'm not racist... black women are freaks in the sheets

I'm not racist... you're pretty for a black girl

I'm not racist... you absolutely the fuck are

You're racist because the system of white supremacy permits you to think that you are ABOVE black people. The white structure of our society is built for the advancement of white people, not people of colour. Everything is for you and in your minds built by you. You feel entitled to land that you stole. You feel entitled to the blood, sweat, tears of the oppressed that by their hands and backs built the country you claim is yours. You ensure that people that don't look like you are put down and kept low by changing the goalpost so the game is always in your favour. I'm seen as a dark threat looking to upset your pure white life.

That's not true, you protest! I'm wrong! Again, crack a book and learn something. The world we live in has whiteness as the "gold standard" for what a human being is supported to look, how to act, and feel. My entire life, I've been forced to submit to your culture. Watch your shows, listen to your music, eat your food, speak your language. I have to mold myself to ensure YOUR comfort because blackness is something to be feared. I have to speak "correctly", dress "appropriately", my hair needs to be done "professionally"... for who? White people that despite being everything that a "good nigger" should be, I'm still feared, called intimidating, berated, talked down to, and in some cases could lose my life. I'll never be a good enough nigger... because that's what white supremacy is; making sure niggers stay in their nigger place.

I'm not racist... I'm so tired of those words. White people use them as a defensive shield for when they are called out on racist behaviour. They don't want to admit that they are part of a system that was built by them and for their benefit. That saying sorry and apologizing to "anyone who may be offended" are the magic words and your racist problematic ass is forgiven. They think that because they didn't own slaves or slavery was so long ago, that somehow they have not been indoctrinated with the idea that white is right... did I hit a nerve?  Good!

I'm not racist is a lazy excuse. How can a person not be racist when they live in a society where everything is about you? White people can be anything, they are doctors, lawyers, superheroes, anything! How can you not be racist when you don't have to worry about what products to use in your hair? You can walk into any store and find make up, skin care products, clothes designed for your shape all at the tip of your fingers. Everywhere you go is built for your comfort. The rest of us have to protest for the scraps we can get. Every magazine has people that look like you, being fabulous, wearing designer clothes, trying the latest health trend, camping... all you. Why is there rarely someone that looks like me?In literature, you don't have to guess the ethnic background of a character... they are de facto white. You don't have to acknowledge that most music genres that you feel like appropriating stemmed from African traditions...that includes country music. You don't have to express appreciation for the different cultures that fill your culinary palate. Kimchi's cool now because white people eat it. When white people do it, it's cool, trendy, fusion, genre bending. When people of colour express their culture, we're hoe's, provocative, exotic, overly sexualized, demeaned. Justin Timberlake puts out an album he's so "progressive"...taking from a culture that he does not acknowledge or promote unless he's getting paid.

I'm not racist, but honestly, I have no idea what you're writing about. Not because you're illiterate or unintelligent, you choose to ignore what is readily available to you. You choose not to educate yourself. I'm fucking tired of your white guilt... it's killing people that look like me. I'm tired of your inaction... it's killing people that look like me. I'm tied of sharing post after post knowing that there are people on my page that will never pick up a damn book and try to learn to be a better human. I'm tired of white people being able to turn off feelings because dealing with racism is hard... imagine what I go through... you don't want to though... because that would mean you would have to work and change.

So I'm done. I'm still advocating, but I'm no longer facilitating being the "go to" black person. I'm not answering your questions... why? A simple google search could give you the information that you need. Why are you incapable of looking information up? Why are you so hesitant to slip into the cultural studies section of Indigo... you do know how to read right???  I'm not patting you on the back with my words of encouragement so you feel good about being a white person and doing what you can for the cause. It's time for white people to step the fuck up. That means crack a book, do a google search, sit on a therapist couch, whatever you need to do to educate yourself. You have a responsibility to dismantle the system that you created and benefit from. It's time that you start impressing people of colour with what you're learning, what you're reading and showing genuine interest in making this world better for black people. Until you can demonstrate that you're putting in the effort, you get no more of my time. You don't get to sit with the adults at the thanksgiving table... you stay at the kids table. 

You don't get my friendship, time, or energy, my life doesn't matter enough for you to educate yourself. I want to give my energy to those that have empathy, care, and concern for others. I don't want to spend my time with racists... not doing this work is racist, inaction is racist, clicking "like" and not doing a damn thing is racist, having bi racial children and not challenging the education system is racist, having a black partner and not demanding accountability for racism in the police force is racist, being a christian and not calling out the church is racist, being in a leadership position and not talking about systemic racism is racist. So when I say white people are racist, there is no defense. How can you defend when you know that you do nothing to change the system? How can you not be racist when you don't explore bias?, how can you not be racist when you know that people look like me suffer at the hands of people that look like you? How can George Floyd's death not compel you to look inside your own heart? 

That's what white supremacy does... it's a nice comfy racist blanket that you wiggle under when stories like this come up. You tell yourself that "I'm not like that"... it's only those people that are racist, not me... as you pull the blanket closer to your chin. I'm nice to everyone, I don't see colour, as you wrap the blanket around your cold feet. I'm not racist... but I do absolutely nothing at work, my personal life, at church, the gym, the grocery store, or school to address racism... as you snuggle into the comfortable warmth of white privilege. Meanwhile... people that look like me are being killed.

I'm not racist...

The struggle

 Dating while black

Dating, meeting people, going out for coffee, movies dinner… all good stuff. As I navigate the world of dating I’ve come to some harsh conclusions about the challenges of dating while black. Ok cupid in 2014 posted a study about the dating attitudes of men and women. Unsurprisingly, black women were seen as the least desirable by all men… including black men. Reading the study, I wasn’t surprised, it hurt to see what I was feeling, what I thought about, the giant elephant in the room, in black and white.

As a young woman on the quest for man meat, I’ve heard all the man snagging tips. Be flirty, but not too flirty, talk about your interests, be smart, but not too smart, make eye contact. I've been set up on blind dates, and card carry member of the "my friend knows a great guy you should meet" club.“You’re a totally catch”, I’m asked… “How come you’re single”?… “Any man would be lucky to have you”. True, true, and totally true. In the back of my head, I couldn’t figure out why I was the reigning queen of singledom. If I'm honest, I always had suspicions that my skin colour was a factor in my lack of dating prospects. I used to tell my friends that I was the "triple threat of death"  ( I made that up myself, copyright pending) in the dating world... I'm intelligent, black, and fat ( we could throw in that I'm short as well, but 3 feels like enough). In dating language, I'm the exact opposite of what North American society considered beautiful and desirable in a woman.

It’s not that I don’t try to date, it’s just hard to do when nobody responds to you. I message, like, send flirts… all the things that the sites, friends, hell even family tell me to do… no boys in the yard. Is there something wrong with my milkshake? And then there it is… the little red icon that tells me I have a message. I wonder what it will say.

Now normally, most people would have a sense of excitement about potentially talking with a new suitor. Not me, I get nervous; too many times have I opened a message only to be hit by the cruelty that is racism. More often than not, I get messages that are not only sexually explicit, they are downright racist. Comments about my appearance, men asking where I’m “originally” from, being compared to food (e.g. Hersey’s Kisses, hot chocolate), being told that I’m pretty for a black girl… I can go on and on.

For me, opening a new message also means that I need to ready myself for war. Of course I get offended, upset, and frustrated reading messages. What I refuse to do, is fade quietly into the stream of profiles without speaking my mind. Depending on the message, I will directly explain why a message was offensive or hurtful. It took a lot of courage to stand up for myself at first, I heard all the excuses, refusal to accept responsibility and just flat out doubling down on the racism. I will not be silent.

Part of the challenge of living authentically is accepting the fact that you lose people. More often than not, when I address racism, I’m met with defensiveness. It’s not my job to further explain to a man why his racism is showing, clearly this isn’t the guy for me… good thing I found that out now. The problem is for black women, it can feel like racist messages are the only response we get on dating sites. It can feel like we have to lower our standards because we can’t expect to be treated with dignity. We should take the guy that sounds a “little racist” because what else is there? Maybe I can teach him about privilege? At least he sent a nice message…that should never be good enough for anyone, yet I’ve seriously considered dating sub par men.

I’m the OG of online dating. POF, Match, OK Cupid, Hinge, Christian Mingle and E Harmony to name a few have all had a profile created by me at some point in my life. The history sadly keeps repeating itself. I get tired of my white friends telling me I need to “put myself out there more” or to randomly start chatting people up at bars. It was even suggested to me that I should "date my own people", yes, a friend said that... guess what, black men don't want black women either (we'll get back to your hella racist comment, but one thing at a time)! We do not have the same experiences in the dating world and it’s a fact that needs to be acknowledged. I have to think about if a man is fetishizing me, I’m more cautious in my responses because I need to see if this guy likes me for me, not just the stereotype of black women. It’s exhausting to not feel respected, it hurts to be blamed for my singleness when I literally have no control over other people’s thoughts, emotions, or intentions.

Yes, black women get blamed for being single. Dating advice I’ve received over the years implied that if I were more positive, smiled more, didn’t make everything about race, stop being so picky, I would have a man. For the religious people in my life, I just need to pray to God and he will send me a man. I will never turn down blessings, however, there needs to be more consideration for the feelings of those that are not in relationships. It’s easy to say that you found love after devoting your life to church, or keeping a positive attitude about love. As my favorite writer Brittney Cooper states, favor isn’t fair. There are no guarantees that I will find a partner, I’m also silenced about being able to talk about the possibility of being without a partner for the rest of my life. If I think like that, it'll never happen *insert eye roll here*. Clearly others have inside knowledge about my future, please impart your sage wisdom on this poor single soul. Being real doesn't make me negative, it makes me human. I think it's fair that reflecting on my romantic history, maybe a partner isn't in the cards. I have no idea what the future holds, but why can't single women get the opportunity to talk about and grieve expectations that may not become reality?

I recognize that I’m not the only person who has had bad dating experiences, it can be easy to compare a person of colours dating experience to that of the dominant culture; it’s a fallacy that needs to be changed. Comparisons to the white dating experience invalidates the experiences of black women. I don’t get the Hollywood romance stories, the prince doesn’t show up on his digital horse, those stories are not for black women. 

How many people of colour are represented on dating shows? How many black bachelorette contestants have there been? Has there been a black, Latino, Asian bachelor? These messages are ingrained in us at a very young age. There were no black Disney Princesses for me growing up. I didn’t see black women being celebrated, loved and worshiped for their melanin goodness on TV. You didn’t either, let’s call it what it is. Love for black women is not represented in media. I'm not even going to get into the stats like how having advanced education, my age, and living in Edmonton also further decrease my changes of finding a mate. Why is it a surprise that anti black woman feelings would spill into dating?

Our society is permeated with anti-black imagery. From social media, TV, Movies, music, the black female is degraded, portrayed as a loud, hypersexual, head swaying, twerking hoes, and finger snapping divas that are a handful for any man to handle. That’s the stereotype I’m up against… I’m judged based on characteristics that are seen as undesirable and the image of black women men has is sadly distorted.

My full lips, booty for days, and dangerous curves on me are considered ugly, on a white girl, you put her on magazines. Women spend a lot of money to have what I was naturally blessed with, I’m not considered beautiful…that title is reserved for the Kardashians. What does that tell people? How do you think men interpret this? The euro beauty standards imply that everyone else that doesn’t have European features is othered. We’re called “exotic”, “ebony”, & “Mahogany” as if there are not other metaphors to describe my skin colour other than food or tree bark??? I was talking with one man who felt comfortable telling me that he’s never dated black women before because he thought they were ghetto. Where do I begin?? How to explain how problematic his statement is?? What really kicked me in the gut is this man is also a racial minority.

 It would be easy to limit my poor dating experiences to just being white men, but that’s not the truth. It’s sad that anti black woman sentiments also find their way to other ethnic groups. This man went on to declare that he hoped I was a “normal” black girl. WFT…Like what the actual f**k? You’ve generalized ALL the black people! You’ve met every black woman? How did you come to this assessment? What does being ghetto even mean? Needless to say I ended the conversation, however the comfort in which he spoke about his reasons about not dating a black woman was telling. I should not have to represent all black people, no black woman should. We should be seen as individual humans that have had different experiences in life, have different views, and hell even have different personalities.

I get frustrated by people that refuse to see blackness as something diverse…that I’m defined and my identity limited to stereotypes. If I applied this logic to my dating, should I consider every white man racist (OK I do, but that’s a different subject)? I have culture, values, knowledge, experiences that have shaped me into the woman I am today. I love hard, I’m a good friend, I protect those that I love, I’m guaranteed to make you laugh, I’m a daughter, sister, and cat mother extraordinaire. I know I’m wifey material, I can’t get a match to message me back. Yes, it’s because of my skin colour.

So as I continue to navigate the dating world, I know I will continue to be tested, irritated and frustrated. Do I have hope I’ll find a partner… yeah sure, I’ll be fine either way. What I won’t do is settle for “good enough”. I know who I am, what I have to offer in a relationship and I will not accept being valued less than what I know I’m worth.

What I'm Reading: Self help Edition #1

I've been taking time to focus on raising my awareness about issues associated with race. I have a strong belief that raising awareness about the importance of mental health with minority groups is something I'm supposed to be doing.  I was joking with a friend that at 39, I finally know what
I want to be when I grow up. I started working in social services when I graduated from University. I remember applying for first job working with individuals with intellectual disabilities thinking I was going to change the world. I had a shiny new bachelor's degree and I was going to use my new piece of paper to influence change in a BIG way!

Clearly, I have a flare for the dramatic, but helping others is something that I truly enjoy. As I begin to start my journey into a new career. I find myself reflecting on that 20 something ingenue that had no idea about the world she was entering. Textbooks can tell you about a disorder or condition, but all the readings, papers and tests didn't prepare me for working with clients that were actually diagnosed with the conditions I studied. Learning about racism is similar to my school vs real life experiences. Anyone can read about racism and think they understand.... addressing racism however requires a further step... people have to take action. Knowing about racism is not an excuse for not doing anything to address racism. Does that mean everyone needs to start their own advocacy groups?? No, but do you address racist statements made by family or friends? Do you have resources that can be shared with your manager? Do you stand up for the person of colour against a person using racial slurs? Do you change the channel when people start stalking about race?

I mentioned in my previous blog that I have been doing a lot of reading and educating myself about racism. While I have a passion for working with black women, education is universal and sharing what I learn is also a form of advocacy for me. I've always had my nose in a book; learning for me is something I'm drawn to. I had to make sure that I didn't fall into the deep dark hole of reading journal articles when researching topics for papers. OnceI find something fascinating, I have a curious desire to know everything I possibly can about a subject.

Racism is something I'm passionate about not just because it impacts me daily, I truly believe that humans can be better. I speak from experience and I know that others that look like me have their own similar stories to tell. My education, my blog, and the interactions I have daily are all opportunities for me to speak my truth. Maya Angelou said, "when you know better, do better" and it's a statement I believe to be true. Should I have to keep talking about racism, no, it's 2020 and it's disappointing that more progress has not been made. I'm tired of having to defend and explain my experiences to justify that racism exists. I get very frustrated that with today's technology, some people have no understanding of why blackface is racist...no, you can't touch my hair and ask me "where I'm from" and risk getting a hot slap.

Help me understand if you know all about the Kardashians, your favorite tv show or movie, you can follow sports teams religiously, know every word to songs on the radio, but learning about racism... no thank you black girl, can you just tell me??? It is not minorities job to educate the same people that perpetuate the racism! Learning about racism is not a secret and I for one and tired of making excuse for people that "don't know better". So how does this mentality tie into hoping that people will be better? Frankly, Anti racism is an intentional, collective action and people of colour simply can't fight racism alone.

In her book Why I'm No Longer Talk to White People About Race, Reni Eddo-Lodge talks about how structural racism and the institutions that support oppression impact people of colour and how inaction by those in power also continues to support the ideas of colonialism and imperialism. As I read Reni's book, I could recall the blank stares I get when I talk to some white people about racism. I can see their eyes glaze over and I feel a sting of hurt knowing they didn't even hear a word I said. I've heard the defensive "I didn't own slaves" or "I'm not racist, I have a black friend"... Fine, you didn't own slaves, however that doesn't mean that you don't presently benefit from the actions of our ancestors. You can still be a racist and have black friends, have a black partner/spouse, hell even have black children.

Too often the defensiveness of white people prevents meaningful conversations about racism from happening. White fragility and guilt prevent white people from taking action to eliminate racism. Know better... how do I start learning how to "know better"?? Honestly, I have no answer to your question and I'm tired of having to bring up my pain in order to get white people to understand the impact of racim on people of colour. While my focus of this post was about the challenges of talking to white people about race, I encourage everyone to read and learn. For me, learning more about race helped inform my opinions with facts and I feel better able to explain my experiences. People of colour learning more about racim can also help with feelings of loneliness, or that you're the only one going through something. I found online communities for black women where I could share my learnings with others and hear about the experiences of other black women.

Why is the onus of addressing racism fall to the people that are being oppressed? How many books, articles, TED talks, Movies, TV shows, News articles, songs, blogs, youtube videos have to be created before white people start taking the initiative to  educate themselves about racism? How can a white person say "I didn't know" about racism when googling "how not be a racist" would literally produce thousands of places for you to start? Reni lays out these questions and more in her book. I finished the book feeling more committed than ever to speaking my truth and supporting people of colour. I'm also committing to putting my sanity first and not engaging with people that willfully remain ignorant about racism.

I firmly stand behind the idea that not learning about racism is a choice, unwillingness to engage in addressing racism also constitutes complicity in permitting racism to occur. I no longer have the energy to engage with people that believe "reverse racism" is a thing or that Megan Markle wasn't driven out of Britain because of the racist media. I want to sit with the adults at the Thanksgiving table and I'm tired of having the same conversations with people that choose to not be informed and have the luxury of never having to change... so do your homework and then you can talk with me. I do recognize that change is hard and takes time; I hope that by speaking my truth, empathy can be developed in those that don't have to experience the negative consequences of racism and help spur change. I'm tired, I get run down, sometimes I just don't want to fight the racism fight, this is an issue that can't remain silent...so I'll continue to speak.

Don't understand what I wrote or want to learn more...Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race may be a place for you to start.

Angry Black Woman

Angry black woman... sisters have heard it, loathe it, and can't escape it. It doesn't matter how intelligent, funny, articulate, correct, polite a black woman is when she speaks, any kind of emotions is perceived as anger. Black girls are taught at a young age to be "non threatening" to their white peers. Don't talk too much, don't speak your mind, you're just a black girl and you need to learn you place in the larger caucasian society.

Ohh, I can just hear some of the people groaning and complaining that another black woman is "making everything about race". Damn right I'm making everything about my ethnic background;  I face the negative consequences of racim daily... several times a day... I'm freaking tired. My earliest memory of being called a nigger was in grade 4. Grade 4 and I'm already learning about hate, hate for the colour of my skin, hate for just existing.

The most insidious thing about hate is the toll it takes, a big ass toll. Over the past few years, I've been taking a lot of time to address the pain associated with being judged for the colour of my skin. How I wear my hair, my clothes, how I speak are all subtle reminders that I'm perceived as less than by others. I'm reminded that their approval means the difference between getting a good grade on an assignment, getting the new job, getting the loan or even not getting shot by the police. Everyday I walk a fine line, where the slightest misstep can result in a racist incident. Who am I kidding, me simply existing in white spaces leaves the door wide open for abuse. Careful, don't speak too passionately... they'll think you're angry and will stop listening to what you have to say. Smile, but not too much, be friendly and personable, but not too personable, speak your mind at your own risk.

Learning to address the impact hate was having on me, I had to reflect on how the labels associated with blackness have impacted the perception I had of myself. I wore the as I call it  my Bojangles mask for 37.25 hours a week...that's not including weekends, and evening hours when I'm out in public. Not because I wanted to, but because it was safer. God forbid I show any kind of emotion other than pure unadulterated joy... apparently it's the end of the world if I don't. I can't be tired, sad, frightened, nervous, worried, hell even angry. Any emotion I show other than "joy" is taken as anger. I became so good at wearing the mask that I wasn't taking it off. Part of me felt it was easier to just keep soldering on because tomorrow I'm up against the same fight.

I know what you're thinking... how do I know that what I'm saying is even true? I recognize to some degree that all people wear masks in different situations. I know that wearing booty shorts and twerking at work is not appropriate, fun, but not appropriate for the office. It's not only that I wear a mask, it's that I also have the added pressure of what my skin colour wrongfully implies about me. More often than not, I'm relegated to the stupid stereotypes of the "sassy black friend". You know the type, the finger snapping head wagging homegirl that you can't help trying out your new urban slang on.

Black women are not seen for the complexities that make us human. The media presents a certain type of blackness and more often than not, black women are forces to fit into a certain box that is familiar to white people. I grew up in Alberta, it shouldn't be a surprise that I can line dance,  or listened to country music. I'm a classically trained pianist, I like many things, I am more than just the stereotypes that society presents. The negative stereotypes associated with black women permeate our societies perception of who black women are. We are not afforded the same luxuries as our lighter skinned peers. We're perceived as angrier, more threatening, overly sexual, too opinionated, aggressive, and more dangerous even when we pose no threat.

Ugh, don't be an angry black woman... how can a black woman escape the label when everything we do or say is perceived as angry? It's a soul sucking paradox and I decided that I was getting off the crazy making wheel. I started to reflect on the word angry...am I angry? What makes me angry? Should I be angry? The dictionary defines anger as having "a strong feeling of or showing annoyance, displeasure, or hostility; full of anger". Well, I guess that's one word that could sum up the toll racism has taken on me, but anger doesn't even cut the surface.

Anger is a word that simplifies and  invalidates the experiences of black women. Racism infects all aspects of our society and black women are forced to navigate their own personal mircroaggressive minefields daily. Grocery shopping, buying a car, buying coffee, getting water from the office cooler can all be places where I can encounter racism. I've been followed in stores, pulled over by the police, passed over for promotions, silenced in meetings at many points in my life. 

 I thought that if I was the right kind of black girl, racism wouldn't impact me as badly. Oh how wrong I was, racism is always there like that one family member that shows up at your house unannounced. I was careful with the music I listened to...none of that "urban" music, because good black girls don't listen to that music. I watched the appropriate shows on tv, watched the right movies, all the things I thought that would make my blackness less threatening. Epic, epic fail! Guess what girl, they don't care what you listen to, what you watch, or how you act... you are black. You have been judged the minute they saw your flawlessly beat face.

I started educating myself on the issues associated with racism and making sure that I had informed opinions when I started to talk about the impact of racism with others. My crown was tilted, but reading, listening to TED talks, research articles, podcasts, and blogs all helped me to find my voice. Now, I'm not only armed with a whole new level of knowledge, I have evidence and the words to better explain my life experiences. Here's the kicker about learning, once you become aware, you can't look away. Injustice feels intolerable and remaining silent no longer is an option for me. 
So as I reflect, I need to be clear that I'm by no means an expert. I'm learning and growing and I know that I have so much more to learn about myself.  Being more honest isn't by any means easy, it comes with risks, being real means that you may lose people; you have to ask yourself tough questions. Part of being healthy for me is being able to experience my full range of emotions as everyone has the right to do.

At my wise sage age of 39, I think I'm coming to some enlightening revelations. I can do whatever the fuck I want, at the end of the day, I'm going to be judged whether I like it or not. Being the "respectful black girl" wasn't getting me the things I wanted in life. I had friends, I work, but I never felt like myself or fully understood in some circles. Some relationships I had, I tolerated because being alone is hard sometimes. I put up with the subtle racist comments,  the hair touching, not playing my "black music" when friends were in the car,  the "you're pretty for a black girl" statements, or the ever annoying "why do black people..." questions. This is life as a minority, or so I thought. The truest parts of myself were reserved for a select few that really knew me. Finding a safe space to talk was a key for me being able to look at how hate was impacting my life. The more I opened up, I realized that I wasn't alone and that other black women were as tired as I am. 

So back to that angry black woman question...damn right I'm angry! I'm angry that I'm judged by the colour of my skin. To know that I'm hated, implied to be less intelligent, less worthy of having basic human rights, or less worthy to be promoted. I'm frustrated that for some, they have the ability to be willfully ignorant to the fact that other people experience life in a very different way. I'm disappointed that in 2020, I know that women that look like me have poorer health outcomes, more likely to experience depression and anxiety, and more likely to abuse substances in order to cope with the impact of racism.

I'm disheartened that the speeches my parents gave me about how to interact with police/ authority figures, that people will judge you because of the colour of your skin, and that I'll need to work twice as hard to get half as much as a white person are all conversations that I will have with my children. Let me repeat that for the people in the back, I didn't type if I'm going to have these conversations, I said will. I will have these conversations several times, wipe away tears after my child is called a slur at school, explain that you will be passed over for jobs, told to "be quiet", told that you are less intelligent, called a monkey... I can keep going, but I think I've made my point.

I'm angry, I have a right to be. I refuse to bow to the idea that being angry is not something that black women should embrace. Anger is a normal emotion and can be a very appropriate response in situations. I refuse to give in to the ideas like I need to "toughen up", the ignorant "sticks and stone" mentality,  or not everything is about race. I'm tired of having my pain invalidated by people that have never lived with the negative consequences of racism. To those people that are skeptical of what I'm writing...don't believe me, go do your own research. I encourage people to read about intersectionality, and the impact of racism. Sometimes the right thing to do is call the sky blue. Sorry Carol, but as much as you want the sky to be fuchsia right now, the colour is blue... take a minute...accept it... 

Anger is not the only thing that defines me, despite what society might say. It's an attempt to downplay and belittle the experiences of black women. By learning to take self care seriously, I care for myself knowing that a well Princess can handle anything the haters can throw. By asking myself to define wellness and what wellness looks like in my life is a process. Self care is a journey and  I'm learning to reclaim the idea of what the angry black woman represents. To me, she is strong, beautiful, vulnerable, kind, intelligent, sad, happy, annoyed, overjoyed and yes angry as anyone else and can and should express herself.